The other day, a friend from grad school emailed me for a copy of my dissertation. I knew my work was embargoed, but I went to check the university website and found that my PhD thesis, titled Tracing the Roots of Disjunction: Dutertismo and the Discourse of Liberal Democracy in the Philippines, had already been uploaded. It struck me that it’s been a year since my research findings seminar (RFS), when I presented an overview of my research to a general public (the seminar was in hybrid format; over 100 people, most of whom I didn’t personally know, registered to attend via Zoom — though ofc only a fraction of that showed up, haha). After the RFS came revisions, then the viva, then more revisions, before I finally submitted the final draft in September 2021. Since then, I had not taken a look at my thesis again. I have been very, very busy. Also I was avoiding the anxiety that came with the pressure to revise and publish, which I knew would intensify the moment I re-read what I wrote for what seemed like the thousandth time. But browsing the thesis now, I feel a little amazed that I even managed to compose a 200-page essay that doesn’t read too badly. There are many arguments I could still have developed, points I could have more tightly tied together, but as it stands, and from my less di/stressed and anxious vantage point now, I can say that that work is something I can feel proud to have written.
I read somewhere that in some cases, the best books tell us things that we already know but have no language to express in a systematic fashion. I hope that somebody out there experiences a moment of profound understanding with the midwifery of my writing (or is that too presumptuous an ask?). In any case, at some point (ideally, a quickly approaching point) I should get to the work of revision and publication and research dissemination that is my obligation as a publicly subsidized scholar.
But for this blogpost, I wish to record the full version of my thesis acknowledgments. (The submitted version is a bit truncated so as not to appear too self-indulgent, as well as to skirt politically sensitive remarks. The full thesis and relevant front and back matter may be downloaded from the LU Digital Commons website, while the TOC, introduction, and conclusion may be downloaded from my Academia page). The acknowledgments section, quite literally, was the only part I actively enjoyed writing. Much of my thesis deals with heavy, sometimes horrific stuff (I remember those weeks I spent collecting, sifting through, and analyzing snuff photos and videos of extrajudicial killings, or reading interviews with victims’ families, or following flame wars between “DDS” and “Dilawan” on social media, etc.), so I couldn’t say that I experienced research and writing as pleasure. I think I got through the whole ordeal by sheer doggedness (as a Taurus) and a desire to make sense of what had seemed utterly senseless to me. But writing the acknowledgments, I was able to look back on the conversations and company I shared with people who deeply cared about me, my work, or their own intellectual and political pursuits, and thereby inspired me to continue my efforts, even when writing seemed most pointless. It’s helpful too to remember that I owe a debt of gratitude to so many people and institutions, and that one of the best ways of repaying them is by persisting in the labor of education, conscientization, and pakikialam, in its senses of caring, curiosity, knowing, and intervention—that is to say, pakikialam as praxis.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I wrote the bulk of the material that would constitute the chapters of this thesis during a time of political upheaval and the unravelling of “normality,” both in the Philippines, my home country, and Hong Kong, where I was living. In late 2019, the large-scale public demonstrations against the Extradition Law Amendment Bill (ELAB) that evolved into a mass movement for democracy and government accountability to the people of Hong Kong intensified with the escalation of policing tactics and polarization in society. The violence that attended clashes between protesters, counter-protesters, and police, the closure of transportation hubs, the siege of university campuses, the mass arrests of students and other dissenters, the disruption of normal campus and public activities, and the general mood of anger, distress, and despondency that pervaded classrooms made research, teaching, and writing at times nigh impossible.In 2020, the global spread of COVID-19, subsequent lockdowns, economic contractions, and heightened collective anxiety and grief over unemployment, immobility, isolation, militarization, racism, disease, and deaths further strained social relations and the rhythms of daily life, work, sleep, and sociality. Amidst a climate of political and pandemic turmoil, I would not have been able to complete this dissertation without the support and encouragement of so many people.
I thank my chief supervisor, Tejaswini Niranjana, for her generous and dedicated mentorship. Teju read and commented on countless of my drafts, and was unstinting and honest in her feedback. Our conversations taught me how to engage productively with criticism, to ask difficult questions, and not to be satisfied with easy and settled answers. Working with her closely as her teaching and research assistant, and witnessing the time and energy she poured into teaching, research, publication, administration, artistic and academic collaborations, and the cultivation of communities and institutions of scholarship has been deeply influential to me as a young female scholar who still wishes to stay in academia, in spite of its manifold problems and difficulties. Beyond work, Teju also made sure that I ate well, met interesting people, and made time for rest and activities I enjoyed—things that I tend to neglect or that elude me when I feel unsatisfied with my writing progress. For her concern and support, I am grateful.
My co-supervisor, Anjeline de Dios, read the first full draft of my thesis and gave useful suggestions for organizing and tying together a diverse range of materials and conceptual frames. I thank her for holding space for the sprawling messiness of the work I initially presented, for her creative insights and guiding questions, for listening to and through me, and for offering me new perspectives and vocabularies with which to consider not only my thesis material, but also my experiences. Her friendship, conversation, art, and lunch/dinner treats have nourished me.
I thank the members of my examination panel, professors Isaac Hui, Lisa Leung, and Rolando Tolentino, for the careful attention they paid to my work, and for their detailed and helpful feedback. My thesis defense, I felt, was tough but fruitful. I may not have been able to incorporate some of their suggestions in this iteration of my research, but I look forward to revisiting and more fully engaging with their valuable critiques and questions when I revise this work again for publication.
I presented early drafts of the chapters of this thesis at various conferences, including the 14th Singapore Graduate Forum on Southeast Asian Studies at the Asia Research Institute, the 2019 Inter-Asia Cultural Studies Conference at Silliman University, and the 2021 International Political Science Association Virtual World Congress. I thank my interlocutors in those conferences for sharing their thoughts and suggestions. During crucial stages of writing and revision, I benefited from the advice, criticism, encouragement, or practical assistance extended to me by Heidi Emily Abad, Lai Besana, Ayrie Ching, Honeylein de Peralta, Alexandra Dias, Carman Fung, Haewon Lee, Lumberto Mendoza, Audrey Rose Mirasol, Median Mutiara, Timothy Ong, Abraham Overbeeke, Loi Panganiban, Nini Peng, Carlos Quijon, Purple Romero, Shah Salleh, Aileen Salonga, Oscar Tantoco Serquiña, Jr., Naoko Shimazu, Julian Tejada, Carmina Untalan, Vyxz Vasquez, Clod Marlan Krister Yambao, Soo Ryon Yoon, Yukito, and Tobias Zuser.
Attending one of Wataru Kusaka’s conference presentations in 2014 and reading more of his work inspired me to pursue this research. The regular writing workshops and check-ins I had with Ping-hsiu Alice Lin kept me motivated through the difficult months of 2020 and 2021; her comradeship and thoughtful observations, questions, and suggestions made the long and recursive process of researching, writing, and revising this thesis more enjoyable. Darren Mangado has read innumerable drafts of this research in various forms and stages of ideation, polish, and coherence (or the lack thereof). I thank him for his painstaking attention to structure and argumentation, incisive comments, and affective labor.
At Lingnan University, I met dear friends—Iting Chen, Toto Lee, Kelvin Wu, and Dayang Yraola—whose company, conversation, understanding, care, and cooking have sustained my life in Hong Kong these past four years. I thank them and my other officemates and peers, particularly Josie Kuhn, Helen Meng, Cuiyan Wen, Ge Song, Lili Lin, Chun-lean Lim, Chor See Chan, Lady Partosa, Kervin Calabias, and Chang Qu for our shared meals, ordeals, musings, and laughter. I am fortunate to have found my way to the Department of Cultural Studies (CUS) and the broader Inter-Asia Cultural Studies (IACS) network and be part of a supportive community of scholars, whose political commitments, critically engaged and locally relevant research, pedagogies, and kindness have often inspired me. It has been an honor to converse with and learn from professors Ackbar Abbas, Roberto Castillo, Stephen Chan, Anjeline de Dios, Lai-Tze Fan, Rolien Hoyng, Po-keung Hui, IP Iam Chong, LAU Kin-chi, Lisa Leung, Tejaswini Niranjana, PUN Ngai, Ashish Rajadhyaksha, Denise Tang, Yvonne Yau, and Soo Ryon Yoon, as well as visiting professors CHUA Beng Huat, David Scott, Nishant Shah, and TAN Sooi Beng. The warmth and assistance of our administrative staff Josephine Tsui, Cathy Tong, MAN Shan Shan, and Amber Chau helped me settle into the rhythms of Hong Kong university life. I also thank CUS alumni Ted Cheng, Chow Sze Chung, Anneke Coppoolse, Mikee Inton-Campbell, Jay Lau, Sonia Wong, and Tobias Zuser for sharing their experiences, advice, and projects, the variety of which helped me appreciate the richness of doing cultural studies.
My professors at the University of the Philippines (UP) Diliman—Maria Rhodora Ancheta, Conchitina Cruz, Judy Ick, May Jurilla, Anna Felicia Sanchez, Lily Rose Tope, and Zosimo Lee—have read my work, endorsed my applications to jobs, scholarships, and graduate school, and written me numerous recommendation letters throughout the years, even when I did not get some of the things I applied for; I thank them for their guidance and trust, and for modeling commitment to their students and colleagues. I appreciate my colleagues in the UP Department of English and Comparative Literature (DECL) for holding the fort through distressing times; with their support, I was able to pursue graduate studies. I also thank Rosanna Dacanay, Annie Ilagan, and the late Julie Cordero for patiently reminding me to accomplish paperwork and helping me navigate the mazes of university bureaucracy.
Zaxx Abraham, Aviva Domasian, Jerome Furing, Jean Lau, Totoy Mendoza, Josel Nicolas, and Cassandra Teodosio, thank you for being. To my friends in UP Lingua Franca (Elders cohort) and UP Writers Club, thank you for hearty and heartening chats and e-numan. Thank you to Jaja and Kat of the Bad Vibes podcast, whose episodes have seen me through the blues of writing and social distancing. Joana Medina’s yoga classes over Zoom have helped maintain my sanity since the pandemic began. The music of IU and DAY6 kept me company through many sleepless, tired nights.
I thank my family for their affection and respect for my personal and professional decisions, even when they do not quite understand or approve of them. Knowing that they have my back has given me the courage to live the sort of life I would want to sustain. My parents, Rosemary and Virgilio, have always tried to give me the freedom to pursue my passions within reason. My uncles, Jov and Oliver, have done so much to support me in my endeavors. I thank my siblings—Elizabeth, Kate, Karen, and Erwin—for keeping things together and for entertaining my many mundane requests for help and for photos and videos of Baki, Barney, and Bingo.
Finally, this thesis is dedicated to the courageous activists of UNIFIL-MIGRANTE-HK, GABRIELA HK, and their allied organizations and individuals, who tenaciously and joyfully work to advance the politicization, conscientization, rights, and welfare of workers in Hong Kong and in the Philippines. I especially thank all of my interlocutors for sharing their experiences, thoughts, hopes, and advice. I write this with deep gratitude for their with-ing, their pagbubukas, and their patient guidance in the arts of making possible. Mabuhay po kayo.
Earlier, I sent a message to a professor whose writings have been profoundly influential and generative for me, thanking him for his work and for his encouragement of junior scholars. He congratulated me and said, “Welcome to the Permanent Head Damage club, Dr. R——-!”
tenant on the top floor 