There are days when the flurry of social networking gets on my nerves. Today is one of those days. There’s just TOO MUCH INFORMATION and I get tired of sorting through it. Felt like deleting my Facebook, but thought better of it. Instead I just axed those social networks that I haven’t been active in (Friendster, Livejournal, and Shelfari); I was about to delete my Multiply but I haven’t figured out a convenient way of downloading and backing up all of my data there (which are A LOT), short of upgrading to a premium account, which I can’t because I don’t have a credit card/paypal account.
I value social networks as gateways of information, as repositories of thought and aggregators of all sorts of interesting data, not so much for the networking part because I prefer to make personal connections with a handful of people worth the effort. I don’t think social networks are really meant for conversation (though they do present that possibility and facilitate interaction); so much of what people do there is sheer consumption or navelgazery; I, for one, am merely talking to myself and documenting my thoughts/circumstances when I post on Facebook/Twitter. Yes, what is egoistic.
I recently read this article about disconnecting from web 2.0. I’ve been thinking about following suit. I even bookmarked the web 2.0 suicide machine. But I can’t afford to thoroughly mull over my social networking plans yet, so though I’m thinking about “disconnecting,” I won’t just yet. After all, it’s not like I can’t carry on RL interaction while maintaining a Facebook presence. I could just ignore or hide the bulk of useless information filling my newsfeed anyway.XD
REMNANTS OF A FEW LIVEJOURNAL ENTRIES THE AUTHOR HAS DEEMED OF INTEREST (IF ONLY TO HERSELF)
The more relevant/engaging posts, I imported as blog entries here. LJ was my fangirlism and this-is-what-happened-today blog, and as such, was chock-full of insipidity I was only too happy to erase from retrievable memory.
23 MAY 2010
while my sister meme was watching He’s Not That Into You…
MEME: makinig ka ng mabuti dito. marami ‘tong life lessons para sa mga katulad mo.
TINE: anong mga katulad ko?
MEME: you know… mga walang nagmamahal at nag-iisa sa mundo.
my sister loves me so much.XD infernez, benta.
i think i’m turning into one of those women who spend friday nights in coffee shops, reading and scribbling in their journals, waiting for no one, who spend weeknights in theaters watching movies alone, and weekends watching korean romcoms that give them romantic troubles and foibles to cry and laugh about, in the absence of their own. i think it was tina fey who called such women “single and pretending to be happy.” americans are so big on happiness aren’t they? i wouldn’t mind saying that i’m not. which isn’t to say i’m unhappy either. i’m just okay, which is prolly how four-fifths of one’s life goes.
20 APRIL 2010
remember how i said a few entries back that i feel so mediocre? well i’ve been doing some thinking, and i realized i feel mediocre and i feel so disappointed with myself because i want too fucking much. i want it all — summa cum laude, scholarships and programs, org achievements, smashing social life, interesting part-time jobs, published work, weight loss — everything NOW. and i realized, i really can’t have everything. not all now. not all at the same time. i tried to, in high school, and what did i get? literally sleepless nights spent on preparing for tests, lessons, competitions, performances, club activities, and whatnot, and wishing every night and every day that i was dead.XD so i tell myself, i’m young. i’m just 19. like prufrock, i say, there will be time, there will be time for all those things i want to do and all those persons i want to be.
but — oh god — insecurity is a persistent little devil.
14 FEBRUARY 2010
Spent the evening hanging out with my last serious crush. … hanging out with him made me realize that sometimes, getting over someone is a sad event. we are still great friends as ever, and i now never go emo because of him, but being with him, talking with him, has lost a lot of its oomph, lost that particular quality that used to make me hang on to his every word, note the subtleties of his smile, grin like a fool for the rest of the day just because he brushed my arm. YUCK CHEESY. what i’m saying is, he used to be special, my feelings towards him used to be special. i used to be continually surprised at finding myself being more compassionate and magnanimous than i usually was because of him. he was — to put it whutdafeck-ly — a taste of the sublime. now he’s become part of the everyday. still cherished, to be sure, but not more so than the other pleasant mundanities of my life.
8 FEBRUARY 2010
funny, only when i’ve reached senior year do i feel like i’m actually living and not, you know, just chasing after days and numbers and people and certificates. but (there seems, always, to be a but) i suppose this can’t be “life” — this is leisure on a leash, a sort of partial leave, and soon i’ll be back in the real world and the rat race. but not too soon, i hope.
26 NOVEMBER 2009
[proof that November for me is emo, INAL month! YECH]
thinking about all the guys i’ve liked who never liked me back, who’ve found other girls and told me about them, and seeing them play out the love stories in my head.
it rained tonight, and i walked under it, my umbrella tucked among the books in my bag.
i wrote the first lines for next year’s nanowrimo entry, and i knew, as i set the words down on the page, that my novel would be about loneliness — the tenant on the top floor who owned only one of everything, who surveyed the world at sunsets and never found anything to cling to.
29 SEPTEMBER 2009
i find myself spending so much time reading about ondoy and forwarding messages and news bulletins etc. in the face of this tragedy, suddenly everything else seems lame. some of my friends lost their homes and possessions or have loved ones who died or are missing. heck, i haven’t even heard from some of my friends, and i don’t know what to do, except forward useful info and try to encourage other people to help too. :(
i’m usually indifferent to this sort of thing, seeing it as a fact of life, a necessary thing, even. hey, this is coming from somebody who’d obliterate the world given the power. but knowing how people i care for have suffered, how so many filipinos are suffering, and realizing how lucky i’ve been shocked me from indifference. and now i want to help strangers, a desire that very seldom comes to me. knowing that other people feel the same way too and are doing so much to help others heartens me. i never thought i’d say this, but it is during these times that i feel proud to be a filipino (at the risk of essentializing), because despite all the shit we have to deal with, we tirelessly get up, plod on, and even find time to help others in need.
24 JULY 2009
LOL at a guy i chatted with. he said, “Quick question that I hope does not place any doubts in your mind about my sexual orientation, as I am like 300% straight. I am not fat, right?” and he proceeded to tell me his BMI and body fat percentage.XD how can a good-looking guy like him be so insecure?
5 JULY 2009
i wish women at the gym would stop broadcasting the sordid details of their little lives. the locker room is, after all, still a public space. and it’s hard to zone out when they’re talking about their illicit sexcapades and LQs as if lecturing on vulgarity to a class of 60 people. oh please.
30 JUNE 2009
i just saw a horrifying thing at the gym. at first i couldn’t believe my eyes, but it was there, it was real.
i saw the most horrendous outfit on a woman. ever.
she wore a neon yellow long-sleeved fitted shirt, a tiny black tutu, the same shade of yellow tights, fishnet stockings over said tights, and ankle-length boots whose every inch was covered with glittery sequins. as if those weren’t enough, she also wore a crown of neon yellow feathers on her head. i am not joking. what’s worse is that the woman wearing said garish, ridiculous outfit was around sixty years old. and she wore it for the cycling marathon. omaigawd. i wanted to laugh but couldn’t. i was just — aghast.